Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goals for 2014

I'm not that girl who makes a fitness goal every December and then berates herself for not sticking to it by the time February rolls around. I know myself better than that. I can't make goals about changing my body. I have to sneak around those kinds of thoughts and try to make it sounds like fun instead of an assignment with an expected result.

1. I'd really like to take the dog on walks more often.

2014 will be a big year for me. It marks 10 years since Declan and I started dating. It marks 10 years since I asked my parents to put me into treatment for my anorexia. I can't believe how far I've come. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was that scared, hurt, hungry girl, and Declan had to drive me to all of my various doctors' appointments because I couldn't stay awake long enough to drive myself. It marks 10 years since I decided not to die.

2. I'd like to eat more of a variety of foods, and plan meals/try new recipes with Declan.

Thinking of the last (almost) decade I've spent with Declan is surreal. It really doesn't seem like that long. I have to remember that feeling when I look at the progress I've made with my physical and mental health. That part seems so far in the past, but it was all happening at once. I need to remember that it wasn't really that long ago, and when I feel like I haven't done enough in my life, I try to put that all into perspective and be realistic.

3. I'd like to be less critical. (Of myself and others. And limit negative speech. Everyone has a story.)

Creativity has always been my saving grace. I'm incredibly grateful that I have the drive to work hard on the things I care about. When I'm feeling down or even self-destructive, I stop making beautiful things, which is obviously the worst possible decision. I want to see some ideas hatch and transform and touch people, even if they just reach me. Art heals.

4. I'd like to feed my mind and my heart. I want to do more watercolor painting, creative photography, clothing reconstruction, baking, cooking, drawing, reading, and singing. (And get better at reading music, too.)

Relaxing is terribly difficult for me. I feel like I'd be more fun to be around if I felt more okay with just BEING, even once in awhile. I think Declan would like that.

5. I'd like to do some yoga. Even if it's just a few asanas, or one sun salutation in the morning. I need it.

6. I'd also like to take better care of my hands and wrists. I need to let them rest. I need to listen to my body when it hurts.

I feel like all of these goals will help me come to terms with the fact that my body is part of me, and I need it, and I need to respect it. I'm amazed at where I am now, versus where I was in 2004, but I still want to improve, and I think that's okay, as long as I don't compare myself to others or give myself unreasonable goals to reach. Forming good habits is much safer for me than trying to stick to a list of black-and-white pass-or-fail resolutions.

Here's to a year of health and happiness and love.

xo,
Lauren




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