Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Fear Monster

My friend Jonnie over at Grey Theory Mill wrote this post the other day. I was silently agreeing with every word of it- nodding my head, even. Her honesty inspired me to go to that vulnerable place, acknowledge the feeling, and then send it on it's way.

I'm going to start out with this: I am happy. I have a happy little life filled with love. But I'm also scared half to death. I try to do everything at once. I try to balance a full-time job and a small business with creative baking projects, general housewifery, keeping the home clean and the animals cared for, and oh yeah, being the perfect wife/daughter/sister/aunt/friend.

There's a part of me that is so intensely terrified all the time. A little rabbit in my heart that's shuddering at the idea of making a mistake- of failing somehow, of disappointing myself or someone else, of not being productive enough, good enough- of not being perfect. It's been a constant battle between me and that scared bunny for years now. Usually it's okay, but occasionally the mini heart attacks get more frequent when I think about the things I want to be doing- things that should make me feel so happy, but instead they frighten me. I'm afraid of losing the happiness. I'm afraid that if/when Fox and Finch gets bigger and needs more of my time, I'll stop loving the process. I worry that something else will slide. I worry that I'll have too much demand for product. I worry that I'll get successful and then ruin it all somehow. I worry that I'll always want to do more/better.

Irrational? Perhaps. Jumping the gun? Most certainly.

I'm at a place right now where I need to get my jewelry line into more shops. Already I'm in 3 local stores, which is so exciting! But it's not good enough. This is probably stemming from my since-childhood need to "feel heard," but I want people to see/love/wear/gift my stuff. The shyness fades away when there's a physical manifestation of my heart/mind/voice for someone to touch/wear. Herein lies the problem. If someone doesn't want to sell my pieces in their store, I know I shouldn't "take it personally," that it's just a matter of taste, but dudes... that's my work. So it's scary. It's scary to write a pitch letter and send samples to retailers. It feels like I'm just writing, "LOVE ME! Love, Me." But if I don't write the letters and visit the shops and talk to the strangers, then no one will see my work or hear my voice.

This is a list/note I wrote up a year or so ago. Being creative does make me happy. The happiest. So really, I have nothing to be afraid of. I'll always strive to do more. To do better. And that's okay. But I need to take a step back once in a while to remember how far I've come. To give that little rabbit a snuggle and calm it's nerves. I need to let myself use the fear to climb higher, to row farther, so I can use my voice to help others do the same.

Thanks for reading. :)